What it means to me is all that matters
Last week I did a series of paintings.
Seven, to be exact. It was me, the colors, and some canvases. I was in a strange place and decided to have a conversation with myself, work some stuff out, get some stuff out. Not worrying about what was good, bad, meaningful, simple, whatever, I sloshed paint onto paper. What came out was probably some of the most meaningful work, to me, that I’ve ever done.
Up front, the whole series has a variety of aspects I’m gonna talk about, but there were three in particular that stuck me in the gut. When I finally put the brush down, I honestly cried. I never knew there could be such a release from really letting loose. Taking down all the barriers of judgement, not caring at all what others might thing...just creating.
Lots of people I’m sure will look at these and shrug.
Not complex enough, no real visible message, on student canvases, cheap paint. Why even bother? To them, fuck you. I didn’t pour my feelings out so that you could judge them. You try forming complex emotions and ideas into a recognizable turn it into something.
Right now a lot of my work is like that, rough as hell, hard to figure out, simple as a grade schoolers art homework. Where else would one start? Unlearning all the things that keep us from truly creating takes a while, combining that with learning all the technical skills to get out what you want to get out...it’s a lifetime of work and I’m just at the start. So, for now, what it means to me is all that matters
Let me take you through these 3 paintings.
The background is that I’m going through a lot of shit in my life. Dealing with depression, fighting to make a life with art, overcoming traumas, dealing with the world as it falls down the shithole all for a group people wanting to be a bit richer...but how to you express that in a non-verbal way? How do you show how you’re feeling in a way that makes sense? At least to me :)
Me as how I feel about the world
Where am I in all this. The bright light of me as who I am, nestled in a calm center, spun about by all the anger and frustration I’m feeling, blocked off from the rest of the world by a barrier I’ve created to protect myself. There is no way in, no way out. To know me is to try and break through things that frighten most people. Who wants to deal with the open honesty of someone who’s willing to see and say what they think? Do you want to know who I am? This painting pretty much sums it up.
Every day for me feels like this. A giant scream of yellow bouncing between fits of anger and frustration. In all the madness occasionally I find a moment of peace. Non-stop, from the moment my eyes open, to when they finally close, constant. People ask how I’m doing, this is how I answer
My view is most definitely skewed. I can’t help it. Nature and nurture. My environment continues to beat me like a wordsmith bends metal to his will to create a sword. The real world is likely a lot more welcoming than I could imagine, but I’ve thrown up such thick barriers that I cannot see it. I feel alone in the space I’ve created, but don’t know how to bust out...or am continually rebuffed to the point that I feel more comfortable where I am than anywhere else.
Now, maybe none of this makes sense to you, and the paintings and explanations seem like total BS to you.
That’s fine. They’re not about you. They’re about me. AND, they’re about the people who see it and get it. It’s to those people that I’m speaking right now through my artistic voice.
Should I care that not many will get it, buy stuff related to it, help me make a living? Yes, and no. Before I worry about what other people think I first need to know what, and how I think. Along the way I’ll find the people who get it and want tone a part of it. For now, all that matters is what it means to me. I hope you see something cool in what I do :)
Stay tuned for these new art pieces in the store. Gotta figure the best way to present them.
Thanks for dropping by for a minute!
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