I’ve been hitting a lot of walls lately.
Like, from a flat out run into immovable bricks. And, it hurts. There’s definitely been a lot of yelling, throwing of things, and I probably have more gray hairs in my beard now. My childish innocence and fun-having with color has turned into something else. Where once I just had fun with whatever was happening, letting the colors flow on to canvas, painting with reckless regard to everything but what I was feeling...now my mind demands that I paint with more intention. Lines and colors must mean stuff!
People have always said that I think too much. I don’t necessarily agree with them on the too much bit, but I get where they are coming from. My brain is always seeking a deeper level, more meaning, reasons. Where most people would shrug their shoulders and move on, I ponder. It leads to a lot of hesitation, second-guessing, and well, I’m sure you know. Basically it messes with my flow and I’m really starting to feel it.
There’s a lot of weight on my shoulders right now.
A lot. And most of my future is riding on the decisions and actions I make and take right here and now. I’m no spring chicken and the window of opportunity if I want to be a part of the greater working world is shutting very quickly. But, I’ve never been one to be an employee, even though I’m really good at it and all companies want to do is promote me once they realize my potential in the organization. What I’m doing now, with art, is pretty much all I got left. That stress combined with all the hurdles of learning is probably the main wall I keep on running in to.
But, I can’t let any of that keep me from moving forward. I did my best over the weekend to take a sledgehammer to it all. Because, seriously, fuck the barriers we erect for ourselves that prevent success. Most of the time it’s me who prevents anything from happening. There is no evil, malevolent force, keeping me where I’m at. Just, me.
Thanks to a gig on Thursday I had the cash to pick up supplies to play with over the weekend.
Armed with these creative weapons I was able to knock a couple bricks out of the walls in front of me. Every day was a fight, a mixture of love, hate, frustration and exhilaration. Every day I thought, maybe I should take a break, breath for a minute. But, taking a break gets you nowhere and I don’t have the time to rest. There will be time for all of that later.
It’s Monday now so I’ve got to switch my hat from weekend warrior to weekday warrior and get on with it all. I hope y’all have a great day, week, month, life :) Thanks for dropping by to read some of my words and look at some of my art.