The rubber band snaps
You ever stretch a rubber band too far and suddenly it snaps?
That surprise at the ends as they painfully flick the skin dispersing all their energy in one sudden burst? That’s kind of what this weekend felt like to me. I’ve been drawing, endlessly drawing. Pages on pages of bringing the lines together in some semblance of recognizable structure. And, it was actually beginning to happen. Sure I wasn’t painting, messing with charcoals, sculpting, but, I was getting better. Then, a lot of emotions boiled over and something happened...
It started with trying to do a portrait, in paint. It was horrible. My lines didn’t fit together, my mind balked at trying, everything was a mess. Every stroke seemed to make it even worse. Nothing worked.
Things have been bad lately.
The pressures enormous. The need to succeed. The need for recognition. The need to feel a part of something. ...and so much more. 10 years of being on the outside of everything... The more I try and push forward the greater the pressure seems to be forcing me back. The closer I try and get the further I’m pushed away. Every move I make to give me an advantage, well, I find myself at a disadvantage. The real turning to mist the moment I make contact. You get the idea.
Suffice to say I had, have, got a lot of emotion runnning through me and drawing, or at least the level I’m at, didn’t allow me to vent any of it.
In my anger I took the paper and abused it.
I took it and let all of my emotions out onto it. I took it and wasted a much paint as I wanted. I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t worried about anything. I slipped into a creative slipstream of ‘fuck it’ and rode the wave. Because, in art, nothing matters, at least not any more. What’s someone going to do? Say my work sucks? Damn, that’s better than being ignored like everyone else has been doing. At least this way I could get some of my anger out.
I seem to have a lot of that emotion, anger. Like a tuning fork I always seem to find that feeling quickly. Not that kind of angry where you want to hurt people...and it’s sad we live in a world where I have to state that. But the kind of anger from the frustration of trying to find my place at the table and being continually refused even scraps. People around me can find thousands of reasons as to why I should have a place, but, yet... And so I’m locked in a loop of trying and not getting...for close to a decade now. Yes, it’s hard to live the life of a creative, but, there’s a point where you gotta scratch your head and wonder, wtf?
My reaction was these paintings...and there’s going to be more coming.
I’ve got a lot to let out and since I’ve found a path that’s going to let me let off some steam, I’m gonna follow it. These pieces are not the end-all be-all of what my art is to become, but, just another stop on the journey. A little over a year into being a graphic artist I know I’m still finding my way with many miles to go before I find a groove. Drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, designing, photographing, helpfully something will eventually click...
The natural reaction for many is to ‘focus’ on one, get really good at something...but how can you say that to a creative? Creativity is a mindset, an ability to form the mist of an idea and shape it into reality. If I were just to draw...or paint...how much would be lost in the places I shunned? Our world demands that we be easily identified, that who we are be easily boxed and labeled. What we wear, what we do, how we act, scripted by rules we had no part in making.
I say fuck the rules.
I’m tired of them. A lot of the pain I suffer, whether it is in art or life, is by my doing, through my refusal to be a part of the system that everyone follows. This stretch and snap process of creativity is likely the result of me trying to be like how everyone wants me to be versus how I should be. Honestly, I have no idea how to be different than who I am. Needless to say this weekend was definitely a step somewhere for me. Ugh..still so far to go.
Thanks for stopping by and seeing what I’m up to here at iamwessel.com A lot of what I did will be up on shirts, pillows, and bags shortly. I’d love to hear what y’all think about what I’ve been up to.