Rough times (again)
Sometimes I feel like a broken record when it comes to all the rough times I’m going through and how I feel, but, I’m actually ok that.
Talking about how hard it feels when it feels that way. I could posture myself as this always cheerful and happy artist dude in LA because that shit makes dollars hand over fist. People like the always cheerful, it distracts them from their own shit in their own lives. It keeps them from facing it, realizing that we’re all going through some kind of crap. That what’s really going on with us needs to be talked about with other people, brought out into the open.
Art forces you into a corner.
Rather, art forces ME into a corner. I’ve always been a moody, thoughtful kind of person, but, the way committing myself to a life of expression has focused my attention can be quite painful. I seek meaning in everything I do, reason for that what’s, always asking the why’s. Paint on canvas is not just paint on canvas...many times it becomes pain on canvas.
So far the novelty of trying new things has kept a lot of my questioning at bay, obsessed with the, ‘what if I’s.’ What if I put these two colors next to each other? What if I try brushing this way with the comb, the other way with the brush, dab here, scrub there...?
But, lately my mind has strayed to the why’s.
Why am I doing it like this? Why does it matter that these colors are next to each other? Why should I do this rather than do that? And the why questions are really, really hard to answer mainly because I don’t have the education, experience, general knowledge to answer them. So, as I create, my flow is broken by these sudden interjections that jitter my brain. Every day I try to learn more, but...art is deep and wide.
I’ve also begun to flip between canvases.
Doing a background on one, touching up another, flowing into yet another canvas on a whim...like a hummingbird looking for nectar. Paintings can start one day, and finish several days later. I paint over stuff left and right. The whole time my brain is screaming at me, WHY!??!?! This, to me, is new. Instead of a post-painting thought session to see how my subconscious interpreted the inspiration it was given, my brain is forcing me to to consider all that beforehand, during...ugh. It’s shaken my confidence. I mean, because, why am I doing what I’m doing (technique, not why am I doing art, hehe)?
Art isn’t easy...
And I’m not just talking about technique. Day by day I’m progressing, at least that’s what people tell me. It’s harder for me to see what’s what because I’m in the thick of it. The emotional storms, the creative rushes, the dry spells, the need to sell so that I can survive... it’s really rough. Like anything I’m sure I’lll work my way through it. I take to heart something I heard in one of my favorite anime’s because I know it works.
Don’t laugh, there’s a lot to be learned from anime...if you watch the right ones and look for the messages. Gurrenn Lagan. Watch it if i you can. At one point the main character is freaking out...a complete loss of self-confidence. Their foe waits on the horizon, looming large and impossible to defeat. He’s about to give up, tears of frustration about to fall when his mentor says to him, ‘You don’t have to believe in yourself. You only have to believe in the me who believes in you.’ It doesn’t make sense at first, but, think about it for a minute.
So, that’s what I’m going to do.
In these rough times when I don’t/can’t believe in myself because all my brain is doing is screaming WHY!?!?, and I don’t have any really good answers, I’m going to believe in all of you who believe in me.
So, thanks for that :)