It’s been one week
When I’ve got money, I paint...almost obsessively.
Seven, well, 8 days ago, when I got back to LA I had spare cash in my account so the first thing I did Sunday morning was head to the art store and spend a chunk of it on supplies. My weeks away from Los Angeles had been hella productive, over 40 paintings covering a number of commissions and experimentations, and even though I said I was going to take a bit of a break when I got back...Of course I didn’t.
I feel like I’m falling through a black hole.
Sucked by the gravity of my desire to understand what it’s all about. Why do I create? What am I creating? Does any of it matter? Should any of it matter? Does this really make me happy? I splash paint on to canvas and paper the way a mountain climber works their way up a steep rock face. There isn’t really any choice now that I’m here. I can only move forward. The peak in the distance, all I want to do is see the view from there...and find my next peak.
Every painting I finished, I ask myself, ‘wtf is this?’ My feelings jump back and forth between self-love and self-loathing so fast I barely register the change. Why is it so hard to trust my own taste? The things that I like to see? To truly get that what I’m doing is just a part of a much greater process and each thing I create is just a minuscule part of it all. Maybe that’s why I paint so much...
It’s crazy how much can be created from so little.
I look into my mind and see the things I could create ‘if only’ I had the resources, the connections, the space... It sometimes leads to spirals of frustration with the system, the world, myself. Other times I get excited beyond belief, because I realize that if I continue to work like I am, if I continue to try, that if I continue to grow, there is a good chance I could succeed.
Success... now that’s a insane concept for me after 10 years of...well, failure. Or at least perceived failure.
It’s been one week, and because I had the money I’ve already done another 30 pieces.
They might not be masterpieces, they might not be the next greatest thing, they might just be wasted materials, but there is one thing I do know. They are steps forward on the path I’ve chosen as an artist. I may never love what I do, I may never trust myself, but at least I’m trying...and hoping.
Oh, I didn’t even show any of the ones I did on paper...these were all the on-canvas pieces...maybe another post in the near future, hehe.