There are bad days, and there are bad days.
When time seems to slow, your entire body just wants to curl into a tiny ball as far away from people as possible, and the lightest of your thoughts would turn another’s day into the dead of night. Dark shit, to put it bluntly. Anxiety, depression, a whirlwind combo of both rearing their soul-sucking heads like an angry sea monster long ignored. I’ve fought the beast before so I was no stranger to the feelings that greeted me when I opened my eyes yesterday.
Like an old enemy with no new moves I knew exactly the path the day would take. When to dodge the blow, how to block...when to retreat...it didn’t make anything any easier. The pain was real, and no calluses could block the real ness of each pang. Sharp spikes to my brain sapping my strength leaving me with little will to do anything. Many out there know exactly what I’m talking about and to them my heart reaches out. I’m usually around if you need a kind word or some compassion. Find me on the IG.
Art was my answer
As it was when I finally decided to beat, or at least bring into submission the black dog (depression) last year in January. Even in the midst of the darkness I could summon just enough energy to get one thing started, which were some sketches for an upcoming piece. Sure the entire process was torture...at the beginning...but the more I immersed myself into them the further the world disappeared. Like turning down the volume on a bad movie, but still having to watch.
I don’t want to make it sound too easy, to deal with a really bad day, because it’s not. I’ve had to do a lot of heavy lifting to get to this point, a lot of work. And, still, they really suck. But, like using the principals of Hapkido that I learned way back, shifting the energies, redirecting them, helps.
Like taking and moving a fist heading directly towards my face I decided to go back to my roots when it comes to painting and throw all that darkness at it.
In a way I was super curious to see how it would come out. Kraft paper, black and white gesso, loud music and tons of sadness/anger. It’s weird, but sometimes, just for a moment, I’m able to stand outside the situation and see. Usually just flashes, most of the time I have to wade through the swamp of despair to get to the lessons. Some of the paintings came out cool, others, well, I’m having a good laugh today about them.
Bad days...really bad ones like yesterday really suck. I can’t even begin to express how much. But, it happened, and will happen again. Thankfully I’ve found a way to deal, but, hopefully some day I won’t have to. Until then I’m just going to have to use art to be the way I scream at all those dark feelings, because it seems for the most part the world doesn’t really want to listen if you’re just talking.
Thanks for dropping by to see what’s up in my art life. Hope y’all have a great day!
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